When a Man Loves a Woman
by chHriiisx3
Summary: Post ferryboat disaster, Meredith and Derek want to be together and they want to be happy, but how hard is happy for them? Is it really worth the effort? MERDER with potential for other pairings, I am not good at summaries I know that. READ AND REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1: Good Morning Beautiful

**So this is my newest fic, it is post ferryboat disaster. Meredith has just been revived and re-united with Derek and her friends only it takes a more interesting (at least I think) turn. Let me know what you think and if I should continue. Oh, and I don't own anything, not Grey's and not any lyrics or poetry that I post. Enjoy and please comment**

Chapter One: Good Morning Beautiful

He lay in her bed holding her as if she were going to slip away again, listening to her soft breathing, watching her chest rise and fall. God how much he loved her, how crazy she made him. His mind had been racing for the entire day and it wasn't stopping anytime soon. He pulled her in even closer and she remained still. She looked so vulnerable and peaceful in her sleep, like she really trusted him. If only she looked that same way when she was alert and had her beautiful green eyes open. The past few days had been hard on her, he knew that, he knew Ellis made her miserable but the thing he didn't understand was why she wouldn't confide in him. He had said he would always show up, he was always going to be here for her, and he was talking about forever. He wanted to marry her one day and have a family with her but she kept running from him and he wasn't sure how much more of it he could handle. He had known Ellis had said something terrible to her when she was lucid, but Meredith wouldn't tell him what it was. She just pushed him away like she always did. Shut him out and turned to her friends. He just hoped she would take some time off with him right now. To get away from the hospital, the excessive drama and just spend time together where they could really make this relationship work because right now he had so many doubts. But what he didn't know was the thoughts that ran through her head, in her dreams.

The dream was repetitive. It would start with her mother and herself. Only she was young maybe 5 or 6. Ellis was screaming at her, something that had to do with Thatcher and Richard and Meredith was crying. Her dream flashed all these terrible memories of her life in her head then it all faded away and all she could see was Derek and it made her feel good. His smile made her melt and she looked into his eyes as if she could see straight through his soul and she knew he felt the exact same way. That moment would last for a while then all she could see was water, and smoke, she could feel her body slowly freezing and shutting down. She could smell the burning fuel that had leaked all over the water and she saw many other lifeless bodies sinking to the bottom. She tried to fight it but it was too hard. The next thing she felt were a set of unbelievably strong arms grab onto her and pull her to the surface. Once again she saw Derek only this time he was holding a baby this was only a brief moment in the dream, she didn't even see the baby's face, just its tiny frame the image flashed away as she saw the water again. The dream went on and on until she finally had fallen into a deep enough sleep. She was so thankful to be alive. Derek really was her night in shining whatever, he had saved her life. Thanks to him she had the rest of her life to be with him and be happy. She wanted to be better, to let him in and stop running, only she wasn't sure how to tell him that. She wanted to be happy and spend the rest of her life with him. She wanted a lot of things now that she didn't want before the accident. There was only one thing she was almost sure she had lost by now.

As morning came Derek softly climbed out of her bed because some one would be coming in to round on her soon. He sat down next to her bed and stroked her hand until she opened her eyes. He leaned in and ever so softly kissed her soft pink lips.

"Good morning beautiful"

She smiled, "Morning"

"Did you sleep well?"

"Yes, I did" it was sort of true, "I love falling asleep in your arms and waking up to find you still here"

"There is no place else I would rather be"

They both smiled and the door opened to reveal Dr. Bailey and Dr. Montgomery.

"Morning Grey"

"Morning Bailey, any chance I can go home today?'

Dr. Bailey examined Meredith's chart very carefully and had a look at her monitors.

"As long as your morning labs come in good then yes you can go home today"

She smiled and then when Addison looked at her the smile slowly faded.

"Derek can you go get me some breakfast please?"

"Of course Meredith"

Derek left Meredith and Addison alone in the room while he went to hunt down breakfast.

"Are you planning on telling him Meredith?"

"I don't know how"

"It's pretty easy"  
"Not its not, our relationship is so complicated"  
"Meredith he deserves to know"

"Wait I lost it right?"

"Yes Meredith, there was abnormal bleeding in your ultrasound due to miscarriage, how long had you known?"

"Only a few weeks, I was going to tell him but I got busy with my mom and I guess I forgot"

"You should still tell him Meredith"

"What is the point at this stage, I lost the baby"

"Was it a baby you were planning on keeping?"

She thought for a minute, "If he wanted me to, yes I would have kept it"

"Then he deserves to know"

"I will tell him when the time is right, or you know…"

"No Meredith you are doing this yourself, I am not telling him for you"

"Please Addison"

"You two shouldn't keep secrets from each other"

"Please, tell him for me, I don't want to see his reaction to this"

Tears were starting to form behind Meredith's eyes

"Okay fine Meredith, as long as you promise to talk about it with him"

"I will"

Just then Derek came back with a muffin and some coffee for Meredith and Addison took Derek outside while Meredith ate her breakfast.

_Good morning beautiful, how was your night?_

_Mine was wonderful with you by my side_

_Open my eyes to see your sweet face_

_And it's a good morning beautiful day_


	2. Chapter 2: Let Me Be Your Hero

Chapter Two: Let Me Be Your Hero

"Addison what do you want?"

"Derek, I um…"

"What is wrong with Meredith?"

"Nothing is wrong with her Derek. She just, she was pregnant before the accident and she lost the baby"

His jaw dropped, he tried to form words, "How… Why… When… How long has she known?"

"She was close to nine weeks along Derek"

He turned around threw open the door of her room and she looked up at him. She saw the tears forming in his bright blue eyes and she knew what had just happened outside.

"She told you"

"You were pregnant, pregnant with my baby and you didn't have the decency to tell me?"

"Derek I was going to tell you"

"No Meredith that is not how this works"

He was yelling now

"Derek keep your voice down I am trying to explain something to you here"

"No Meredith, the second you even suspected it you should have told me that is what a good girlfriend would have done!"

"Oh so now I am a bad girlfriend?"

"No Meredith that is not what I meant"

"It damn right is, get out of my room Derek!"

"No I am not leaving Meredith"

"Get out of my room now!"

"Meredith!"

"Don't Meredith me just get out"

He just stood with his hand on the doorknob. Lost in thought, he said some pretty terrible stuff before but the things he just said were probably some of the worst.

"I am so sorry Meredith" he whispered the words so softly but she still picked them up and could sense the tears in his voice.

"Derek come back, I am sorry I yelled"

He sat down next to her bed and she handed him a picture. It was a sonogram dated about a month ago.

"This right here," she pointed at something that looked like a peanut, "That was our baby Derek. For what it is worth I wanted to keep it. I wanted to tell you, I was going to tell you but my mom got lucid and I got sidetracked"

"Does anyone else know?"

"No I kept it to myself"

"You didn't even tell Crisitna"

"No, she would have dragged me to an abortion clinic and that isn't what I wanted"

Tears were now free falling from Derek's face. Meredith reached out and wiped the tears with her thumb. For the first time she felt like the strong one, like she was needed. She had never seen him so overcome with emotion and then the thoughts of what he went through when she had died filled her mind. She couldn't believe she had done such a terrible thing to such a perfect wonderful man. When he had calmed down he handed the picture back to Meredith.

"You okay now?"

"Yes Meredith thank you for being here"

"There is no place else I would rather be"

He smiled and laughed at the fact that she was using the same cheesy lines he used on her. "I am going to take a walk now"

"Okay I will be right here waiting for you to come back"

He went outside to find George pacing around.

"O'Malley"

"Yes Dr. Shepard"

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes, well no, I overheard you two screaming in there, are you okay?"

"I think we will be okay, it's just, she lost a baby her own unborn child shouldn't she be a little depressed?"

"Maybe this is her way of dealing"

"Avoiding the situation, not dealing with it at all"

"Okay so maybe it isn't a good sign"

"What should I do George?"

"It's not like you to ask that question Derek"

"I know, but I just I don't know what to say to her or what to do with her"

"Tell her that"

"What?"

"Tell her what you're telling me. This is the problem with your relationship, you guys aren't confiding in each other anymore"

"I guess you're right"

George got wide eyed for a second. "I know what you should do"

They finished their talk and Derek went back into Meredith's room to find her reading her own chart.

"Hey, I wasn't expecting you back so soon"

"Put the chart down Meredith"

"Why Derek"

It wasn't until now she noticed he had a wheelchair with him. "What is with the chair?"

"We are going for a walk"

"You mean you are going to wheel me around the hospital"

"Come on Meredith, I want you to see something"

A very confused Meredith got out of bed and sat in the wheelchair. Derek put a blanket over her legs and shoes on her feet and wheeled her over to the elevator and pressed the button for the fifth floor. She was still confused but the second he turned right she knew where he was taking her.

"Derek please"

"Meredith we have to do this"

"Derek"

She hit the lock on the wheelchair so he couldn't push her anymore.

"Come on Meredith please don't be so stubborn"

"No Derek I want to go back to my room"

"Meredith you need to deal with this please"

Tears were forming in her eyes but she fought them back.

"Derek take me back to my room"

"You know I will pick you up and carry you if that's what it takes Meredith"

She sighed and unlocked the wheels while Derek rolled her in front of the glass looking into the nursery. When they got there she looked down right away but he knelt down beside her for support.

"Mer, come on this is how we are going to deal with this"

"Derek please, not now"

"You have to come to the realization that you lost a child Meredith and this is the only way I could think of getting you to do it"

She slowly lifted her head to look him in the eyes. They were both tearing up but fighting back as much as possible.

"Come on Meredith you can do this"

She turned her head to look into the nursery at all the adorable new babies. Most of them were sleeping, but they all looked like little angels. It was seriously the cute festival. When Meredith realized what had happened to her and her baby tears were free falling from her eyes. Derek gently lifted her to her feet and held her as tight as he could; whispering soft and encouraging words into her ear.

"Shhh, come on Meredith everything is going to be okay"

"You don't know that"

"Oh, I know I don't know it but doesn't saying it make the situation better?"

"This shouldn't affect me so much; I wasn't ready to be a mom"

"Who says you weren't ready to be a mom. You would have made a great mom! You have so much love inside of you Meredith"

She pulled her head off his shoulder so she could look him in the eyes.

"You would have made an even better dad"

He smiled at her and for a brief moment pictured what their life would be like with a tiny little baby. They would have probably fought over who loved it more.

"I am so sorry Derek, this is all my fault"

"This is no one's fault Meredith"

"Yes it is, if I hadn't drowned"

"Hey, don't you dare talk like that. Meredith who is to say we can't have kids one day?'  
She smiled, "You think about us having kids?"

"All the time, I just have never talked about it with you before"

"What else do you think about?"

"Our wedding"

"Our wedding?"

"Yes, maybe if you are ready I was hoping it would be within the next two years. I can see you in the white dress walking down an isle in a church. We will have a beautiful ceremony that will make the both of us cry tears of joy and it will be the happiest day of our lives."

"Oh Derek"

She rested her head on his chest again to cry some more.

"And then, a couple more years from now, I will be chief but I will take more time to spend with you and our kids."

"How many kids do we have?"

"Two, one girl and one boy, our little princess looks just like her Daddy but shines with the exact same stubborn personality as her mother; and our son, well he looks like his beautiful mom but he is like his dad deep down inside"

She continued to cry on Derek's shoulder and finally gathered herself enough to look him in the eye.

"Thank you, for sharing that with me Derek. I love you so much"

"Oh I love you too Meredith. More than you will ever know."

They shared one last embrace then Derek took Meredith back down to her room where they waited to see if she could go home that day.

_Would you dance if I asked you to dance?_

_Would you run and never look back?_

_Would you cry, if you saw me crying?_

_Would you save my soul tonight?_

_I can be your hero baby_

_I can kiss away the pain_

_I will stand by you forever_

_You can take my breath away_


	3. Chapter 3: No One

Chapter Three: No One

Meredith was discharged from the hospital in the afternoon however she was still in some pain and was on some meds so Dr. Bailey put her on a two week bed rest. This way she would have to at least take two weeks off of work to try and deal with the whole Ellis situation. When she and Derek were back at her house, she went right into the kitchen.

"Meredith, why are you running into the kitchen?"

When he caught up to her he found out why. Izzie was home and had been baking like there was no tomorrow.

"Hey Dr. Shepard, would you like some cake?"

"Um… no thanks"

"Oh come on Derek you never try and of Izzie's baking. Please try it, this is amazing"

He looked down at the cake and made a funny face and Meredith just smacked his arm.

"What was that for?"

"Being rude to my friend, now come on and just have one bite"

She held up her fork and pouted her bottom lip.

"Well I can't say no to that face now can I?"

She smiled as he ate the cake off her fork.

"Wow Izzie you are an excellent baker. My mom doesn't even bake this good"

"Thanks Dr. Shepard"

Meredith reached over and grabbed another fork and they split the rest of her piece not taking their eyes off each other or the smiles off their faces. Izzie watched the happy couple and tears came to her eyes.

"I'll be right back" she said as she walked into the bathroom.

"What is wrong with Izzie Mer?"

Meredith could hear muffled sounds of crying coming from the bathroom. She sighed, "Denny," and got up to see Izzie. She gently knocked on the bathroom door. "Izzie come on open up I know you are crying in there"

The door slowly opened to reveal the beautiful blonde bombshell sitting on the bathroom floor crying her eyes out. Meredith sat down next to her and wrapped her arm around her while Izzie rested her head on Meredith's shoulder to cry.

"Come on Izzie use your words, talk to me"

"I miss him so much Meredith"

"I know you miss him, I know"

"And I said some terrible things to George about him marrying Callie and I don't think he will ever forgive me"

"Izzie you and George are best friends, he will always forgive you"

"No Meredith, his wife comes first now"

"You don't know that, what will he do without you, who will he talk to?"

"His wife perhaps"

"Come on Izzie, I hate to use this example but if George forgave me for what I did to him, he will forgive you too"

Izzie let out the smallest laugh

"See there is that smile"

"Thank you Meredith"

"For what, this is what friends are for Izz"

Izzie smiled

"I will bring Derek to my room, I don't think you want him to see you like this"

"Thanks Mer"

She went back into the kitchen to find that Derek had had about another two pieces of cake.

"Okay before you hate me for letting you eat this, let's go up to our room"

"Why, this cake is so good Meredith!"  
"Okay then I guess you don't get your reward"

"Reward?"

She bent down behind him and rested her hands on his shoulders. She softly kissed his neck and then began to run her fingers through his dark curly hair. He turned around on the stool so his back rested against the counter and he was facing her. She straddled him and softly pressed her lips against his. The kiss got more passionate and he ran his hands up her back to unhook her bra and she slipped her hand down his pants.

"Meredith"

"What?"

"We should probably take this upstairs"  
"Why do you say that?"

"Well because I don't want one of my interns walking in her kitchen to find her friend and her boss having sex on a bar stool"

"Oh come on that's kind of funny"

"No Meredith let's go upstairs"

She looked at him and sighed, "Oh fine"

"Thank you"

He picked her up and carried her up the stairs and into their bedroom. They made love then cuddled up in each other's arms.

"Derek, you know you are amazing right"

"That's what I have been told"

She giggled then reached for the TV remote.

"What are you doing?"

"I want to watch a movie"

"No but I have better plans than that"

He started to suck on the back of her neck, she moaned very softly then he got up out of the bed.

"Where are you going?"

"To take a shower with the love of my life"

He reached back down to pick her up and brought her into the bathroom with him. They started to kiss again, their tongues exploring every part of their mouths then Derek put Meredith back down and started the shower.

"Derek"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to say that I love you so much and I am so thankful that you saved me and I am still here with you"

"Oh Meredith me too, I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone in my life"

They smiled at each other then walked into the shower.

_You can be sure it will only get better _

_You and me together_

_Through the days and nights_

_I don't worry 'cause everything's gonna be alright _

_People keep on talking saying what they like _

_But all I know is that everything's gonna be alright_

_No one, no one, no one _

_Can get it the way of what I'm feeling _

_No one, no one, no one _

_Cant get in the way of what I feel for you _

**Sorry not much happened here, this is just a filler before I get onto the drama. Please keep giving me feedback, it makes me very happy! And I will update again as soon as possible**


	4. Chapter 4: I Could Hold You Forever

Chapter Four: I Could Hold You Forever

After a few days of being home, a few days after Ellis had passed Derek knew it was time to ask Meredith what she wanted to do with her. The afternoon of this day, they were sitting on the couch watching the news when an announcement was made. _We are very sad to inform the public that a living medical legend passed away four days ago. Ellis Grey died of a heart condition complicated by Alzheimer's disease at Seattle Grace Hospital in Washington. She was know to have pioneered the laparoscopic grey method in surgery and was among the team of surgeons who created laparoscopic surgery. Ellis leaves behind her daughter Meredith. No service has been arranged but when and if anything is planned we will let the public know. _Derek felt a warm drop of water hit his hand and knew it was a tear from Meredith. He pulled her in closer and kissed her head, whispering calm and soothing words into her ear. She quickly gathered her composure and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"This should not affect me like this"

"Meredith there is no shame here, she was your mother"

"Yeah my mother who made my life a living hell, aren't I supposed to be relived that this is all over now?"

"If you were cold and without emotion, yes. But Meredith you are not. You are the most amazing person I have ever met and I know how badly you wanted her to get better; I know how much you wished she would live to the day there was a cure for Alzheimer's. And when that day had come, maybe you and your mom would have been able to have the relationship you never got."

Tears once again were free falling from Meredith's face and Derek simply rocked her and tried to calm her down. Once she had he really wanted to get her to come to her senses on the whole funeral thing.

"Meredith what are you going to do with her?"

"She wanted to be cremated"

"Okay that's a start"

"And I want to bury her ashes, so if I ever want to visit her in some way I can do that"

"Okay, see Meredith you can do this"

"And just something small; me, you, the chief, Cristina and Burke maybe"

"Alex, George, and Izzie too?"

"Yeah, thanks Derek"

"Look I will call the funeral home that took her and make all the arrangements for you"

"Okay, I love you"

"I love you too" 

He went into the kitchen and called the funeral home. The man he spoke with said someone would need to come by that day to pick out the urn, the tombstone and pay the deposit. He said he would be over as soon as possible to do so. He flipped shut his phone and sat back down with Meredith.

"So the guy from the funeral home needs someone to go pay for everything and make some arrangements and I told him I was on my way over."

Derek got up and put on his jacket then Meredith followed. He kissed her forehead as if he was giving her a kiss goodbye and then he noticed she reached for her coat and her purse.

"Meredith?"  
"She is my mother, I should come and do this"

He smiled at her and took her hand as they walked out to his car. He opened the door for her and helped her in then got in the drivers seat and drove off to the funeral home. When they got in they were greeted by a man in his fifties. He was tall, blondish graying hair, brown eyes and was dressed in a black suit.

"You must be DR. Grey, I am so sorry for you loss."

He strongly shook Meredith's hand

"Thank you"  
"Dr. Grey, my name is Stan and I am the director here so if you and your husband would come with me I will help you get everything ready."

"Oh um we aren't uh… we're not married"

"Oh I am so sorry by the way Dr. Shepard talked about you on the phone it seemed like you were married"

"That is okay Stan really and you can call us Derek and Meredith"

"Alright Derek and Meredith, let's get started"

They picked out the urn, the tombstone, her grave plot, the flowers and everything imaginable. They also set to cremate her the next evening and her ashes would be buried the following morning. There would be no service aside from the small blessing the priest would do before she was buried because it was going to be less than 10 people there. When they got in the car Meredith was very quite.

"Are you alright over there?"

"Yeah, you know what I think I am"

"Good, Meredith the next two days are going to be hard but I am going to be right by your side throughout the whole thing"

He gently rested his hand on her thigh and she placed her hand on top of his.  
"Derek can we make a quick stop"

"Where?"

"Liquor store, I am out of tequila"

"Meredith, drinking is not the way to solve your problems, we have plenty of wine in the house and it will get us through the next few days"

"Okay" she replied kind of disappointed. He was right though, she shouldn't be drinking herself into a coma right now.

Once they had gotten home Meredith was beat so she went upstairs to take a nap only to find she couldn't fall asleep.

"Derek!" she called out, he came running up the stairs.

"Is something wrong?"

"No it's just, can you hold me? I can't sleep without you holding me and this pillow is just not going to cut it right now"

"Meredith there is nothing else I would rather do"

She giggled at his awfully cheesy new catch phrase and fell asleep safe in his arms.

_When you came to me with your bad __d__reams and__  
Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns  
But who really profits from the dying  
I could hold you in my arms  
I could hold you forever  
I could hold you in my arms  
I could hold you forever__ your fears  
It was easy to see you'd been crying _

**So the next chapter will be the funeral and maybe one or two little surprises. Keep the feedback coming it makes me happy! **


	5. Chapter 5: Let Your Clarity Define You

Chapter Five: Let Your Clarity Define You

Two days later Derek woke up at 10 minutes before the alarm to the sound of Meredith's snoring. He got up and shut off the alarm so she could sleep in. He knew it was going to be a hard and long day and he was going to do everything he could to make it better. He went downstairs and found Izzie in the kitchen and noticed she hadn't baked anything.

"Izzie are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be Derek?"

"You didn't bake anything, and today is Meredith's mother's funeral"

"I just though I should let you take care of her"

"Oh well that was very kind of you, thank you Izzie"

"Your welcome, what time is the limo coming?"

"Around 7 I think"

"I will go have a shower then and start to get ready"

"Okay I am making breakfast for Meredith you and Alex can have whatever is left over"

"Thanks Derek"

Izzie walked down the hall into the bathroom to get ready while Derek started to make blueberry pancakes, bacon and sausages. He made up a plate for Meredith and had it all decorated and presented nicely. He took a single rose out of the flower arrangement in the kitchen and put it in a small silver vase on her tray. Then poured a glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee so she could decide what she wanted. Then he went back upstairs to find her slowly waking up. He put the tray on her nightstand and got back in bed with her.

"Good morning beautiful"

"Morning"

She looked up at him and kissed him.

"How did you sleep?"   
"I always sleep well in your arms"

"That is good to hear. Would you like some breakfast? I made your favorite"

"Thank you Derek you don't have to do all this for me"

"But I really do"

"She just smiled and ate her breakfast, sharing some of it with Derek. When they were done eating he took the tray and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?"

"To clean the kitchen, you can take a shower and get ready"

"Okay"

While he went downstairs she went into the bathroom to start the shower. She looked at herself in the mirror. For the first time since she had almost died it looked like the color had come back to her face and the sparkle had come back to her eyes. She slowly undressed and got in the shower. Once she had finished she put on her robe and went to see what everyone else was up to. Izzie was sitting in the living room in a black dress with her hair in loose curls. She was such a beautiful woman Meredith thought.

"Oh hey Mer"

"Morning Izz, you look nice today"

"Thanks"

"Where is Derek?"

"Kitchen"

"Thanks"

Meredith walked into the kitchen to find Derek, Alex and George. Alex and George already were in their suits and she could tell Derek had already showered because his hair was still wet.

"Hey guys"

"Meredith, go upstairs and finish getting ready"

"Jeez Mr. Bossy pants, I just wanted to see if you needed to use our bathroom"

"I don't now come on Meredith you need to get ready we can't be late for this"

"Okay"

She walked up to Derek and kissed his cheek. He still smelled like the aftershave that she loved so much. She softly whispered an "_I love yo" _into his ear and he said it back. Then she went back upstairs to finish getting ready.

Once she had dressed herself she looked into the mirror again. She had straightened her soft blonde hair and it simply just fell down and had no real shape to it. She was wearing a very simple black dress, black tights and black high heeled shoes. Her black coat and black umbrella were downstairs as well as her black purse. _God this is depressing. Why do I have to wear black to my mom's funeral? She treated me like crap all these years; shouldn't I be able to show up in a red dress or something? _She was as satisfied as she was going to be with her appearance so she went downstairs to find Derek waiting for her.

"Hey baby, you look beautiful"

"I don't feel it"

He could sense the sadness in her voice. He reached out and put his hand on her cheek.

"Everything is going to be okay. We will get through this day, I promise you"

She just looked up at him and smiled as she softly kissed her forehead. Then the limo had arrived to take them to the cemetery. The car ride was rather silent. No one really knew what to say, but all Meredith's friends noticed the body language between Derek and Meredith. He had one arm around her had his other hand resting on her thigh. He was gently stroking her thigh with a calming intention. Normally Meredith would have told him to keep his hands to himself while they were in public but today she just wasn't up to it. He was just trying to keep her calm. When they arrived at the cemetery everyone got out of the car but Meredith. Derek waited at the door for her.

"It's okay Derek; you go ahead I will be up in a minute"

"Okay, I will be back here if you're not up in five though"

"Thanks Derek"

"I love you"

"Love you too"

She took a deep breathe and just stared down at her feet. She fought the urge to cry and got out of the car walking up to the plot where everyone was waiting for her. The guests had only included Derek, George, Callie, Izzie, Alex, Cristina, Burke, Marc, Addison and the Chief. When she had walked up to them she went to stand beside Derek who took her in his arms and she rested her head back on his shoulder and closed her eyes. Derek nodded at the priest to start and he did. The ceremony was very nice, Derek had done an excellent job picking out the readings however, a select few people started walking towards them that made Meredith so nervous. She tightened her grip on his hands and he knew something was wrong.

"Meredith, are you okay?"

"Derek look"

He looked down the hill to see Thatcher, Susan, Molly, Laura and Lexie Grey standing at the bottom waiting for the ceremony to finish.

"I will go talk to them Meredith, when the ceremony is done"

"Thank you"

He let go of her hands and gently rubbed her shoulders. They put the small urn into the ground and everyone walked up to put some flowers in it too. All Meredith's friends went down to their cars and left Derek and Meredith, which is when Thatcher and Susan walked up to them. Derek walked up to Thatcher.

"Look Mr. Grey she is having a hard enough time as it is, please don't make this any harder on her"

"Excuse me, she is my daughter and that is my ex-wife I have a right to talk to her"

"I mean no disrespect sir but, you lost the right to talk to her when you left her"

"Thatcher honey maybe this was a bad idea"

Just then Meredith walked up to them

"Hello, can I help you with something?"

Derek reached down for her hand and gently squeezed it letting her know he was there for her.

"Meredith I am so sorry about your mother"

"Thank you Thatcher"

"We are sorry we were late"

"That is okay, it means something to me that you even showed up"

"Do you have any other arrangements planned?"

"We are all heading back to the funeral home for lunch if you would like to come"

"Thank you Meredith I appreciate that"

"So just follow us over there"

"Okay"

Meredith walked down to the limo with Derek following her. He grabbed her and kissed her.

"What was that for?"

"You are amazing; you know you just had a conversation with your father right?"

"I know that"

"I love you Meredith"

"I love you too Derek"

They got back in the limo that drove them back to the funeral home where Meredith was surprised by a woman from her past she thought she was never going to see again.

_Let it go_

_Let it roll right off your shoulder_

_Don't you know _

_The hardest part is over_

_Let it in _

_Let your clarity define you _

_In the end _

_We will only just remember how it feels _


	6. Chapter 6: The Story

Chapter Six: The Story

"Oh my god, Lauren, is that really you?"

"Meri!"

Meredith went up and hugged Lauren

"Let me guess you heard about my mother"

"I felt it was only right for me to come check up on you"

"Well thank you, it means so much to me that you still care"

"Meredith, I practically raised you, of course I care"

Derek was just standing of to the side and he coughed to signal Meredith into letting him into this conversation.

"Oh Lauren this is my boyfriend Derek. Derek this is Lauren, she was my nanny for what 10 years almost?"

"Yeah about that much, it is nice to meet you Derek"

"It's nice to meet you too"

"Well we are having lunch, if you would like to join us Lauren"

"I would love to, we need sometime to catch up"

"Definitely"

The three of them walked into a small room where all Meredith's friends were gathered around eating and mingling. Thatcher and his family were off to the side on their own. Meredith sat down at an empty table and Lauren sat next to her.

"I will let you two catch up"

"Thanks baby"

Derek kissed Meredith's forehead then went to talk with Marc, Addison and the Chief.

"So you have a boyfriend that never surprises me"

"Oh come on Lauren"

"What I am just saying it seemed like you had a new boyfriend every week in high school"

"Well Derek is, different"

"In what way?"

"He, well he is crazy about me and I really love him too. And he just, he makes me so happy and I don't care if my mother didn't want this for me because this is an actual healthy relationship. I am in an adult relationship, were we actually talk to each other and…"

"Wow, you still ramble"

"Oh shut up!"

"Meredith he seems like a wonderful man"

"He really is"

Lauren and Meredith kept talking about what they had been up to the past seven years. Lauren was married she had three children; she was living in Nashville now. Meredith could not believe after all these years she came back to check on her. After a bit of catching up Meredith knew it was time to go and talk to her father. So she went to get Derek to come with her.

"I'm sorry I have been ignoring you it's just I was talking to an old friend and"

"It's okay Meredith we understand"

"Thank you for coming"

"Well you are my daughter and I wanted to make sure you were okay"

Meredith quickly tried to change the topic, "So um are these your other daughters?"

"Oh yes, this is Molly and her daughter Laura and this is Lexie"

Lexie shook Meredith's hand, "It is nice to meet you Meredith. Dad says you are a surgical intern?"

"Um yes I am actually writing my first year exam in a few weeks and then I will be a resident"

"I am just graduating medical school, waiting for my intern acceptance letters"

"That's good; did you apply into Seattle Grace? We do have one of the best programs in the country"

"Actually I did, but I don't know about moving back to Seattle yet"

"It's always a tough choice"

Meredith talked for a bit longer with her "family" with minor help from Derek. Soon enough they had to leave but they planned to meet again for dinner in a week at Meredith's house. Soon enough their little get together was coming to an end and everyone was walking back out to their cars.

"So Lauren how long are you in Seattle?" Meredith asked

"It's okay Meredith I have another week here. I am staying at the Archfeild"

"Oh that is not necessary, you can stay with us"

"Um I don't mean to be rude, but your friends say you guys live in a trailer"

"Derek lives in a trailer we can stay at my mom's house"

"That is fine Meredith I will stay at the hotel and just come visit you as often as I can"

"Alright, how about we go shopping tomorrow? We still have so much to catch up on!"

"Sounds good Meredith"

"I will pick you up at the hotel in the morning"

"Alright Meri"

The two women hugged then went to their separate cars. When Derek started their car he looked over at Meredith.

"What now?"

"Well first of all I don't know where we are sleeping tonight and second I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. For everything you did today, Meredith you are such a wonderful person"

"Thanks Derek, but I couldn't have done any of it without you"  
They shared a quick kiss.

"Oh and let's go to the trailer, I want to spend sometime just the two of us"

"Okay then"

So they drove out of the parking lot and out to the trailer.

_All of these lines across my face_

_Tell you the story of who I am _

_So many stories of where I've been _

_And how I got to where I am _

_But all these stories don't mean anything _

_When you got to one to tell them to _

_It's true _

_I was made for you_


	7. Chapter 7: All You Have To Do Is Cry

Chapter Seven: All You Have To Do Is Cry

The two just lay in bed in the trailer holding each other for hours until Meredith's tummy started growling.

"Is someone hungry?"

"Yeah I think so"

"Hey it's early evening let's go out to the dock and see if we can catch some trout"

"Okay"

Meredith knew it was going to be cold out on the water so she picked up one of Derek's sweatshirts off the floor and put it on. Then the couple walked out to the water hand-in-hand. They sat on the dock their feet dangling over the edge. Meredith had her head rested on Derek's shoulder while he was trying to catch a fish. After a few tries he was getting some bites and put them in the pail. Meredith however could sense something was off with Derek.

"Talk to me baby"

"About what?"

"Come on I can see it in your eyes, what is going on in there?"  
"It's nothing really Meredith"

"I thought you said we were supposed to talk to each other about our problems. Derek there is something on your mind right now and I want you to talk to me"

"It's just I was remembering the first time we came out to this dock together"

"Okay that is only half of what you are thinking about, come on Derek"

"When we came out here, it was a really hot night and the water was cold so we went…"

Meredith finished his sentence, "for a swim"

"Yeah, and Meredith you are a good swimmer"

"You have to ask me Derek I will not answer the question unless you ask it"

He now had tears in his eyes, "Why didn't you swim? Why didn't you fight?"

Meredith took a deep breath, "You really want to know?"

"I need to know"

"Okay then I will tell you"

She thought back to the day she drowned and filled her head with as much as she could remember then she spoke up. "It happened so fast Derek I want to say that first. I fell in and…"

He interrupted her, "How?"

"How did I fall in?"

"Yes"

"I was helping a patient at the edge of the dock and he was in a lot of pain and he freaked out and my back was facing the water. He nudged me a little with his arm, not on purpose but because of the awkward position I was in, it was enough for me to lose my balance and fall over the edge"

He nodded his head and she reached out to hold his hand.

"Okay, keep going"

"I fell in backwards, head first and I don't really remember hitting my head, but I think I did hit it on the way down. So I was really unaware of what had happened. By the time I had found enough strength in me I was already so far away from the dock and so close to the bottom of the bay. I found enough strength to make it to the top but when I got there the exhaustion hit again and I bobbed up and down in the water for a bit. When I looked out at how far the dock was from me, and the only thoughts running through my head were my mother and the things that she said to me the day before and so I thought for one second Derek, one second I thought"

She had been fighting tears the whole time but now she couldn't stop them and they were free falling from her green eyes. Derek reached over and wiped them with his thumb.

"What did you think?"

"What's the point?" She replied, crying harder than ever.  
Derek pulled her in closer to his body and let her cry on his shoulder while he gently stroked her hair and her back and softly kissed her cheek and her neck.

"Meredith there was a point though"  
"I know that Derek and it almost took me too long to figure out that. If I had died I would have ruined you Derek!"

"Meredith don't talk like that"

"No, it is the truth. I mean honestly, would you ever have moved on if I had died Derek?"

He thought for a minute, about what his life would be like without Meredith in it; and all he saw was darkness and despair. "No Meredith, I would have spent the rest of my life completely miserable if I had lost you"

"See, I am such a terrible person"

"No Meredith, your mom is the terrible person she had no right in the world to say the things she said to you"

"Yes she did, I am a disappointment"

"No you are not Meredith. Just because you haven't picked a surgical specialty doesn't mean you are a failure. You still have at least two years before you have to finally decide and you have accomplished something your mother never would have"

"What is that?"

"You have me. You are genuinely happy, you are not blindly happy. Not everyone can have what we have and your mother sure as hell never had it"

Meredith started to cry again but quickly gathered herself enough to speak again, "wait I haven't finished yet"

"Meredith you have said enough. I just needed to know why and now I do. And I want you to know I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my life and I will make sure that I never ever come that close to losing you again"

"You don't have to worry about it Derek. I am not going anywhere. There is no place in the universe I would rather be than right here in your arms"

They stood up and shared a passionate embrace, holding the other so tight as if they would never let go. After several minutes they broke away just so that they were looking into each other's eyes.

"So how about I go make dinner for the love of my life?"

"That sounds like a great plan"

Derek picked up the bucket with the fish and they walked back up to the trailer. He started the grill outside while she went in and grabbed a beer from the fridge.

"Hey why didn't you get me one?"

"I thought we could share, I don't feel like drinking a whole one"

"Oh I love sharing with you Mer"

"Me too"

They sat in the lounge chairs holding hands and watching the sun set.

"I can't believe you ever thought about giving up this trailer"

"I know isn't the view amazing"

"But you do know that we can't live in a trailer forever"

"What? Why not?"

"Well it isn't a family friendly home, and since you have this plan for us where we are married and we have our own family, I figured we would perhaps be living in a house by then"

"Oh Meredith, I love you so much"

"I love you too, and I know you are ready to take the next step in this relationship but please just give me time. I promise I will be ready sooner than you think"

"You know I would wait the rest of my life if I had to. Whether you like it or not you are stuck with me babe. I am not going anywhere"

"Good because I don't want you to go anywhere but right here with me"

The enjoyed the rest of their evening alone, ate dinner watching the beautiful sunset and fell asleep in each other's arms. All knowing that everything was going to be okay.

_Won't you _

_Be the new one burn to shine _

_I take the blue ones every time _

_Walk me down your broken line _

_All you have to do is cry _

_Yes all you have to do is cry _


	8. Chapter 8: Stand Still Look Pretty

Chapter Eight: Stand Still Look Pretty

The next week went well for Meredith and Derek. Meredith was spending much more time with Susan and Thatcher; she was also getting to know Molly and Lexie. They are communicating very well now. For once Derek feels like he is actually needed. When something goes wrong she doesn't just run from him. Now she comes running to him. They are more in love than they have ever been before and are liking the way things are going right now.

There is now three days until the big intern exam and all the interns are at Burke and Crisitna's place along with Burke and Derek who are helping the interns study in breaks from planning the wedding, which is in less than a week. The interns are sitting on the couch and one at a time they move to a chair off to the side and are asked questions to answer, while Burke and Derek are sitting at the kitchen table. By the way this game is going; Meredith is the intern to beat. She has not answered a single question wrong so she walks over to the table and takes Derek's beer out of his hand to take a sip from it.

"Hey I was drinking that"

"Now I am too"

"I thought you were busy studying"  
"Well in case you weren't paying attention I haven't gotten a single question wrong yet so I figured I could use a break"

"I know you are getting them all right. I am so proud of you baby"

She looked into his eyes and smiled at him then looked onto the kitchen table

"Seating plans, flower arrangements, centerpieces… isn't the bride supposed to pick this stuff out Dr. Burke?"

"Yes well it just so happens my bride claims she is a surgeon so she doesn't do this stuff"

"Is the maid of honor the next best opinion? What have you boys been looking at?"

The three were talking about different arrangements that had been made and it sounded like this was going to be quite the beautiful wedding. Burke had really good taste and although Cristina may have hated the whole idea of a wedding, Meredith thought that she actually may be happy with what this wedding was turning out to be. At around midnight Meredith could tell Derek was getting tired so the two of them headed home to get some sleep.

The next day at the hospital Meredith was working in the clinic and was surprised to find Susan Grey there.

"Susan, are you sure you are in the right place?"

"The hiccups won't stop and I am having pains in my chest"

"Hiccups I can stop easy but chest pains don't sound good, I will send over Dr. Bailey to come have a look okay"

"Of course, but um your father is in the waiting room and he is worried and I thought you might"

"I will go talk to him Susan, hopefully everything is okay"

"Thank you Meredith"

Dr. Bailey found that Susan was having chest pains from acid reflux so they decided to perform an endoscopic procedure to sew together the bottom of her esophagus which would stop the pain. Once the procedure was done she was sent home with Thatcher. Only a few days later she was back and complaining of severe cramping in her stomach. Meredith had actually been having a good day. She had a great night with Derek (she was loving the trailer right now) she was getting a shot at a real great surgery with Sloan but while she was prepping her patient she was paged 911 to Susan's room.

"What happened?"

"Bacterial infection, she has C Def"

Meredith looked at an unconscious Susan on the gurney and her father who was in tears behind her while the chief walked in

"Meredith, get her to OR 2 she is having surgery right now, I will talk to your Dad"

Meredith did exactly as the Chief had asked her to only Susan coded before she made it into the OR and was dead before the chief made it up.

"What happened?" He asked as he looked at the flat line monitor and Meredith's tear filled eyes.

"She um…"

Meredith's throat was all dry. She was lost for words, trying to wrap her mind around her lifeless stepmother that lay in front of her. The scrub nurses were shutting off the monitors and detaching Susan from them.

"Chief can you call it… I… I can't"

"Of course, ugh time of death is 8:17"

Meredith walked out of the OR with the chief and Dr. Bailey following close behind her. They reached the waiting room to find Thatcher pacing around in tears. Richard nodded at Meredith to go tell him the news.

"_We did everything we could" She said her eyes swelling with tears as well as her father's _

"_You said it was this simple thing" God how confused he was _

"_It was" She tried to explain until she felt a sharp pain pierce her delicate face. _

"_She had the hiccups!" He screamed at her while his hand smacked her face. _

_She instantly placed her own hand over her cheek turned in the other direction and ran _

She didn't exactly know where she was running to but she did end up in the parking lot sitting on a bench being soaked by the Seattle downpour. The cold rain made her cheek burn but she just let her body feel the pain. Her pager went off several times as well as her cell phone but she ignored both. After 20 minutes she was shaking and her teeth were chattering she was so cold, so lost then she felt someone sit down beside her.

"Meredith I have been searching the hospital like crazy for you, please come inside"

She just remained in the same position; she had looked almost as lifeless as she had when he pulled her from the water.

"Okay Meredith if you don't get up I will just carry you in because you are going to get hypothermia out here in the rain."

She looked into his eyes and it broke his heart to see the swelling bruise on her face and the tears in her eyes. He gently reached for her cheek and ever so softly put his hand over the bruise as she flinched ever so slightly.

"Meredith please come inside"

She just nodded her head and he helped her stand and walked her into the hospital and up to his office. She slumped down into the couch as he brought and ice pack and rested it on her face. She placed her hand over his and started to cry again. Only this time she was shaking and she couldn't control herself.

"Meredith please try and calm down, everything will be okay. We will survive this"

"Stop saying that!" Now she was yelling at him

"Don't yell at me"

"Derek stop saying everything is going to be okay because the last time you said that things haven't turned out so well"

"Mer, all I am trying to say is that I love you and I am not going anywhere. I am not like him, I would never hit you and I will never leave you"

She looked at him then looked down, "I want to see Lauren, she is leaving soon. I will see you tomorrow"

"Meredith please don't walk away from me, so much has changed you were doing so well"

"Derek I don't want to talk to you right now. I will text you so you know I am safe at my house"

He knew he wasn't going to win this, not tonight. "Okay Meredith I love you"

She just walked out his office with nothing else to say, got changed and drove home.

_Sometimes I find myself shaking in the middle of the night  
and then it hits me and I can't even believe this is my life.  
But people have problems that are worse than mine  
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time.  
And I wish everyone would just go and shut their mouth. __**  
**__I'm not strong enough to deal with it_

_I am slowly falling apart_

_I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start_

_And you might think its easy being me_

_You just stand still look pretty _


	9. Chapter 9: Cry

Chapter Nine: Cry

When Meredith walked into the kitchen of her house she found Lauren and Izzie sitting at the table drinking coffee. Lauren instantly noticed the swollen red eyes and the bruise on her face so she simply stood up and hugged Meredith.

"Derek called Izzie"

"So you know"

"I am so sorry Meri; I know Susan was so good to you"

"I just thought for once maybe I could have a real family but I guess it is just something I don't deserve."

"Meri, why don't you go up and sit in bed? I will be up soon with some food and we can talk"

"Actually the only thing I want right now is my good friend tequila"

But Lauren stopped Meredith before she could take another step.

"Meredith you cannot just drink away your problems. Go upstairs I will be there soon"

Meredith sighed, she knew she was not going to win this argument so she just slumped up the stairs and went up to her bathroom. She got changed and washed her face. She would brush her teeth after she ate whatever Lauren brought up. She walked out of the bathroom and sank into her bed. She actually felt as though someone had reached down her throat and pulled her heart out of her chest. She felt empty, alone and completely helpless. She was doing so well, he was right but this night had changed everything. Then she remembers Derek and reached for her cell phone. [i _I'm home with Lauren and Izzie and will call you in the morning maybe. I am sorry I didn't kiss you goodbye or tell you _

_that I love you, because I do. I just can't be with you tonight. I am so sorry_ [/i As she shut her phone Lauren came in with a bowl of soup.

"Who were you talking to?"

"Oh I just texted Derek"

"Is he on his way here?"

"No, I don't want to spend tonight with him. I need to think tonight"

"Meredith you can't keep running from him"

"Lauren I am not running from him"

"Yes you are Meredith. When I came here the day of your mom's funeral I could see how much you love him and how much he loves you. Why are you not confiding in him?"

"Because all he ever does is tell me that everything is going to be okay and we will make it, and that is encouraging to a certain degree. But I just don't feel like everything is going to be okay anymore. He is just making me frustrated"

"Well you have to tell him that"

"But when I tell him stuff like this he gets all mad and defensive. Lauren we just don't know how to communicate that well together. And god I love him so much but it just seems like there is always something preventing us from being together"

"Meredith there is nothing preventing you from being together"

"Yes there is. The first time we were together he didn't tell me he was married, then he chose his wife over me. Then he walked away from me and tried to beg for me back and it worked. And just recently I got caught up in my mom and he go caught up in the race for chief and then I almost died and my mom died and now Susan is dead. Lauren what the hell is wrong with me?"

Meredith was crying and shaking now, Lauren just sat on the bed and held her the way a mother holds their child, resting Meredith's head on her shoulder so she could cry.

"Just let it out Meri, you have kept this bottled up inside of you for so long I can hear it in your voice. Just cry"

And it was exactly what she did. After a long 30 minutes Lauren wiped the tears from Meredith's eyes.

"Meredith you need to talk to him"

"What difference will it even make?"

"Because if you keep running away like this…" she trailed off.

"What? Come on Lauren I am a big girl now I can handle the ugly truth"

"If you keep running away, you may run too far and when you turn around he won't be there anymore"

"I know that"

"So don't take advantage of how much he loves you because you are hurting him Meredith"

"I know"

"Okay so how about I call Derek and tell him to come over here and spend the night with you, I think you may just want him to hold you tonight. You will sleep much better that way"

"Thanks his cell is speed dial one on my phone"

"I could have guessed that"

Meredith smiled and lay down as Lauren walked out her room.

0000

He picked up after the first ring

"Meredith?"

"Um sorry Derek it's Lauren"  
"Is she actually okay or is she just Meredith okay"

"She will be okay, I am just wondering if you would like to come spend the night with her. She shouldn't have to sleep alone tonight and I think she really wants you here"  
"Thank you for taking care of her Lauren, I am on my way"

"Thanks Derek"

"Bye"

"Bye"

0000

Derek made a 30 minute drive in less than 15 minutes and he ran into the house and found Lauren in the kitchen.

"Is Meredith in her room?"

"Yes she is but Derek I need to tell you something in case she doesn't. I think we both have experienced enough of Meredith's stubborn personality to know she doesn't do everything the way she should"  
"Yes"

"Now this may sound harsh, but you have to stop telling her that everything is going to be okay, because look at where she is right now. She is so lost and confused Derek. You need to get her to talk and to listen"

"I will try my best"

"Just at least promise me you won't tell her everything is going to be okay"

"I promise"

"Okay, good night then"

Derek headed up the stairs and opened the door to Meredith's room.

"Hey baby, I know you want to talk but we can in the morning. I just need to hold me until I fall asleep right now"

"I can do that"

"Thank you"

He stripped down to his boxers and got in the bed with her. He pulled her in as close as he could and the sound of her soft breath put him to sleep.

_I have seen fear. I have seen faith.  
Seen the look of anger on your face  
And if you want to talk about what will be,  
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,  
I'm a friend.  
And if you want to talk about it anymore,  
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,  
I'm a friend._


	10. Chapter 10: I am Missing Someone

Chapter Ten: I Am Missing Someone But I Don't Know Who

The next morning Meredith's alarm rang at 6.

"Why do you have to get up so early?"

"Susan's funeral is today" she said as she walked out of bed and into the bathroom. The words she said had made him jolt out of bed and follow her.

"But your test is today?"

"I am going to the funeral and then to the test"

"Do you want me to come?"

She opened her mouth to talk then stopped. Lauren had said she would take her to the funeral and then Meredith remembered what she had said about pushing him away, "If it isn't a problem for you it would make me feel better to have you with me"

"Then I will come, I brought a black suit with me just in case"

"See Derek this is why I love you"

She hugged him then turned around closed the bathroom door and started the shower.

He walked downstairs to find the rest of the interns sitting at the kitchen table, chugging down coffee and there were textbooks and flashcards scattered all around the table. They were taking in as much of the information as they could in the last hours before the test. Izzie was the first to notice Derek had walked into the kitchen.

"Dr. Shepard, I didn't know you spent the night"

"I didn't want Meredith to spend the night alone"

"I thought she was with Lauren"

"Lauren took care of her until she was ready to talk to me" Everyone just stared at Derek, "so I am making Meredith some breakfast do any of you want anything?"

They all responded a similar "No we have already eaten" so he just made enough for him and Meredith to eat. When he was done cooking she made it to the kitchen dressed in all black. She looked absolutely beautiful but she also looked broken. Lauren followed slowly after Meredith into the kitchen

"Oh Meri I can't get over how gorgeous you are"

"Thanks Lauren"

"I mean you were always a cute kid and I had such a hard time keeping boys away from you when you were a teenager but you truly are so beautiful Mer"

Meredith just gave her a faint smile and then looked at the food on the kitchen table.

"Is that for me?"

"Yeah Mer, you eat and I will go get ready real quick"

"No Derek take your time, I was hoping we could show up just on time and sneak in at the back where Thatcher won't see us"

Derek wanted to tell her that she needed to face him but he knew she would instantly get very defensive so he dropped it.

"Whatever you want babe"

He kissed her forehead then went upstairs to shower and get dressed

She was eating her breakfast then slowly began to notice all her friends were staring at her.

"Guys I am okay. I studied for the test, Derek is going to take me to the funeral then I will come to the hospital to write the exam. It is going to be a hard day but I will make it through"

They all nodded in agreement and then Derek came downstairs

"You ready to go?"

"Yes" she replied smiling at him

He took her hand and they walked out to the car. While he was driving he noticed she was reading a textbook.

"Mer stop worrying about your exam, you are going to do fine"

"I am not so sure Derek my mind is just all over the place today"

"Don't doubt yourself, you know the material and you are going to do great"

She nodded her head in agreement and shut the book as they pulled up to the church. As the stood at the entrance they could see the ceremony was just beginning and they snuck into a seat in the back.

Derek had one arm around Meredith's shoulder pulling her close to him and he was holding on to one of her hands very tightly as she rested her head on his shoulder. The ceremony was very beautiful and the entire chapel was in tears throughout. Meredith tried so hard not to cry and Derek could see how hard she was fighting. He didn't want to force her into anything so he just let her be at the moment. He would make her talk later. Just as the ceremony was ending they got up and left walking back out to the car when they heard a familiar voice yell at them.

"Meredith stop!"

She turned around to see her very drunk father looking right at her

"Why did you think you had any right, any right at all to be at this funeral?"

"Mr. Grey why don't you just leave her alone right now"  
"I don't even know who the hell you are but shut-up! Get the hell away from my wife's funeral Meredith! She trusted you and you killed her! You took her from me! Like mother like daughter eh? All you are here to do is take from me what your mother didn't stick around to take huh? Was that her dying wish?"

Meredith just listened to him insult her and her mother with her eyes closed, all she wanted him to do was shut his mouth and she let it slip out of her mouth

"Could you just shut up and leave me alone! I wanted to pay my respects to my step mother"

Thatcher's eyes were filled with fury Derek saw him lifting his hand and he instantly jumped in front of Meredith.

"I swear to God if you lay one finger on my girlfriend I will kill you"

Meredith just grabbed Derek's hand and pulled him away with her.

"Derek come on let's go he is not worth it"

Derek gave Thatcher one last death stare before walking away. In the car on the way to the hospital Meredith took the textbook back out and opened it to a page in the middle hoping it would prevent Derek from bringing up anything that her father had just said to her. He noticed she was using the book as a diversion from conversation but he wasn't going to let her get away with it this time.

"Meredith the book may as well be upside-down you are not taking any of it in I know it"

"No you don't" she responded flipping the page for the first time in almost 10 minutes

"I can talk to the chief you can write the test another day"

"No Derek I am writing it today"

"Meredith you really aren't in any shape to write this test, you have had an incredibly emotional day"

"Derek I am fine to write this test now be quiet I am studying"

He sighed, he was not going to win this one. When they got to the hospital he walked her up to the locker room.

"Okay now I have a surgery but I will be done when your test is over so just come up to my office"

"Okay" she said nodding her head

"I love you" He kissed her forehead then left so she could change into her scrubs

Once she was changed she headed up to the test room and took a seat. The test was passed out and directions were given. She wasn't exactly paying attention however, all she could think about were the words her father had said to her and the last things her mother had said to her before she died, and the last conversation she had with Susan before she died. She had actually lost three parents in one week and the pain was unbearable. Time in was ticking away fast and she hadn't even opened up her test booklet or written her name on her scantron, she just sat there. Two whole hours had passed and she did nothing but sit there. When the test was over she walked like a zombie into Derek's office and when he saw her face he knew something was up.

"Meredith? Is everything alright? Did you have a hard time on your test?"

"I… I… Derek, I didn't write anything"

"What?"

"I sat in the seat for 2 hours I didn't even read a single question. All I could think about was how my parents though I was such a failure and I just couldn't focus myself to answer a single question"

"Oh Meredith"

He held her as close as he could and she cried, she cried like he had never seen her cry before.

"I failed them Derek. My mom, my dad, you, my exam! God I am such a failure!"

"Meredith look at me, right in my eyes. You are not a failure and I am going to talk to the chief. You are going to get a chance to write this test just for now let's just hide out here"

"Okay"

"Okay"

She just kept crying in his arms while he put on his brave face for her because inside, he was so worried. What if she doesn't get a chance to re-take the test? Will she fail and have to repeat her intern year? God he was so worried but all he could do know was be as supportive as he could and just wait.

_Take me back Josephine _

_To that cold and dark Decmeber _

_I am missing someone but I don't know who _

_Now I'm standing alone _

_And I'm dying to remember_

_Sometimes I wonder how I ever started loving you _

_Someone help me understand why I'm still loving you _


	11. Chapter 11: I Will Show You Love

Chapter Eleven: I Will Show You Love

Derek continued to hold Meredith while she cried until his pager went off.

"It's the Chief"

"911?"

"Yeah"

"Okay, I will stay here"

"Are you sure you are going to be okay?"

"I will be fine maybe I should just close my eyes and get some rest"

"That's good Meredith; I promise I won't be long okay?" She nodded her head, "I love you"

"I love you too"

He walked out of the office leaving Meredith curled up in a ball on the couch tears still streaming from her face.

Derek walked into the chief's office to find him calmly sitting in his desk

"Chief you paged me 911, I don't see an emergency"

"George told me"

"About Meredith"

"Yes"

"Chief you can't just let her fail that exam. If she fails… it will be all my fault. I have been distracting her and…" the chief didn't let him continue.

"She lost a baby, her mother, her step mother, her father's approval and almost herself all in two weeks. I shouldn't have even let her take the test today because I knew she wasn't going to be able to concentrate. She will re-take the exam in two days."

"Burke and Yang's wedding is in two days"

"Shepard her options are in two days or the test she passed in today"

Derek nodded his head, "I understand sir"

"Shepard, sit down a minute"

"What now?"

"Derek I promised Ellis I would take care of her daughter"

"Richard…"

"No Derek let me finish. I promise Ellis I would take care of Meredith, she never got the chance to and she wanted Meredith to be alright. The past few months have not been good and I think it will take the both of us to tell her that she needs some help"

"Help?"

"She is stubborn like her mother Derek. I could see it in her from the minute she started working here and I can see her trying to be happy with you but she can't be when she pushes you away"

"But she is doing better, she came to me when Thatcher hit her, she asked me to come to Susan's funeral with her. Richard if we say something to her it will only upset her more."

"The emotional trauma she has been through in her life Derek, she needs to deal with it"

"She is, she is doing the best that she can and if that means she is a little too absent for my liking I am going to deal with it. Ellis didn't want her, Thatcher wasn't man enough to stay around and I broke her when I left her for Addison. She has a right to be the way she is and I will have to deal with it"

"But Derek you want her to be committed to you"

"Yes but…"

"And she never will be she won't be ready unless she gets some help. I have watched her slowly breaking down and this test just did it for me. She needs help Derek"

"I will think about it"

"Tell her she can re-take the exam in two days"

"I will"

Derek got up and walked out of the office while a million and one thoughts passed through his brain. Yes things were hard and she hasn't been doing so well lately, she has been drinking more than usual and she did complete blank on the most important test of her career. He would tell her tonight, he would slowly and discretely bring up the conversation and hope she wouldn't be mad at him for it. He opened the door of his office to find her asleep on his couch. Her face was tearstained and red from all the crying. He had felt terrible, she wasn't the failure, he was. He had tried so hard to get her to commit to him and once she did he was being absent. He isn't there for her, not the way he needs to be. The thought of how terrible he had been brought tears to his eyes. He began to pace around the room then she spoke.

"What is wrong Derek?"

"Oh Meredith your awake"

"Well its kind of hard to sleep while you are pacing in front of me"

"Sorry"

She gave him a faint smile.

"So I talked to the Chief, you can re-take the exam in two days. It gives you plenty of time to get some extra sleep and studying in"

"But that is the day of Cristina's wedding"

"He said it was your only option, I am sorry Mer"

She rested her head against the pillow and he stroked her cheek without realizing it was the cheek her father had hit. She flinched in pain.

"Oh Mer I am sorry"  
"its okay, you don't have to keep apologizing to me"

"Alright"

"Are you on-call right now?"

"No my shift is just ending, why?"

"Can you take me home?"

"Of course"

They walked out to the car and went home. Meredith immediately went upstairs and fell asleep. Derek talked with George and Izzie for a bit in the kitchen before going upstairs and joined the love of his life in bed.

000

The next day they both slept in because Richard gave them both the next two days off. During the day they were studying and Meredith seemed to be distancing herself quite a bit. Derek didn't want to upset her so he wasn't saying anything to her. That night was the bachelor and bachelorette parties for Burke and Crisitna. When the girls arrived at Meredith's, Derek kissed her goodbye and headed of to Joe's for the bachelor party.

"Okay it is my last night as a single woman, Mer please tell me there will be male strippers"

"Cristina!"

"What I would expect my person to know that I wanted strippers"

"I don't think your fiancée would be too happy if he knew I hired you a stripper"

"I'll bet Derek hired him one!"

"Derek would have told me"

"Can you two stop fighting about whether or not there are going to be strippers" Izzie chirped in.

"Fine, let's start with some margaritas then" Meredith suggested as they all walked into the kitchen.

The girls were drinking in the kitchen and finishing Cristina's vows because she still hadn't written anything. Meredith kept sneaking away to study but everyone just told her to relax and said she would be fine. It was actually a rather classy bachelorette party not the crazy ones you hear about on tv and in the movies. At around midnight they all went off to sleep. When Meredith was getting changed she thought she heard noises coming from downstairs so she went down to find Derek fumbling with his keys on her porch.

"Derek?"

"Oh thank god I was never going to find my key in the dark"  
"Come in"

She opened the door he walked in and took of his coat and his shoes. She walked up the stairs and into her bedroom and he followed behind her. There were books scattered all over her bed.

"Still studying?"

"Yes, I wanted to cram in as much as I could"

"How about I quiz you?"

"Derek I would really rather just…"

"We can make it a game, for every right answer you get a reward"

"I like the sounds of this, but what happens if I get one wrong?"

"I thought you would be too smart to get one wrong"

He winked at her and started to ask her questions. She was getting them all right, each right answer Derek removed one item of Meredith's clothing then one of his. It was not long until they lay in bed completely naked.

"Do I get sex now Der?"

"See I told you that you were smart Mer"

They made love to each other then Meredith cuddled up in Derek's arms until there was a knock at the door.

"Meredith you couch sucks and I can't sleep"

"Go away Cristina I am busy"

"Okay I am giving you and McDreamy 30 seconds to get some clothes on before I open this door"

"Will she actually open the door?" he asked her in a whisper

"I don't know"

"Let's give her something to talk about then"

He pulled Meredith on top of him and kissed her as Cristina walked in their bedroom.

"Ew get a room"

"We have a room! You just barged into it"

"Whatever McDreamy now get out I want to sleep on a bed"

"You can't ask me to leave!"

"Well I just did"

"It's okay Der we will both go downstairs"

"What no I want to talk to my person"

"Well forget it Cristina we want to be together so we are both going downstairs"

They got dressed and left Cristina alone in Meredith's room. When they got downstairs they just cuddled on the couch and fell asleep.

000

The next morning Izzie came downstairs to find Meredith and Derek sleeping all cute and cuddly on the couch.

"Wake up you two, Meredith has to go write her test today"

Derek slowly woke up but Meredith stayed sound asleep.

"Thanks Izz"

"No problem Derek" she said as she proceeded into the kitchen.

Derek bent down and kissed Meredith's forehead as she slowly opened her eyes.

"Are you watching me sleep?"

"No I am waking you up, it is test day remember?"

"Yeah, how about we play our little game again I think I need to be quizzed some more"

"Meredith as much as I really want to I know you would be late so you have to get going in the shower and get ready while I make breakfast."

"Oh fine" she said and slowly truged up the stairs.

Derek's POV

As Derek made breakfast he was thinking about what the chief had said to him. Meredith seemed better today and he was thinking that since Richard is Meredith's father figure maybe he was just overreacting to one small thing. He would wait some time to see how Meredith was before telling her what he had said. Thinking about all this made him realize he may be the one with the problem, not her. He was always here for her but was he listening to her? Did he pay enough attention to her, or just worry too much about her? Was it normal for him to be so concerned about what was going on in her head? He needed to talk to her. They needed to talk to each other, soon.

Meredith's POV

She went upstairs to take her shower and as the hot water trickled down her back she was thinking about Derek and how protective he was getting. Yes she was coming to him and communicating with him and although everything seemed so good she could still see it in his eyes that something was missing and she couldn't pinpoint it. She wanted to know what he was thinking, just to be able to read his mind for one day so she really knew what was past those beautiful blue eyes. More importantly she wanted him to tell her, if there was something wrong, how come he wasn't telling her. She had been coming to him with all his problems, why wasn't he doing the same? She had finally reached that stage after a near death experience where the clarity was gone. She didn't have that feeling like she could do anything and be happy any more. Everything was fuzzy again and there were a million questions bouncing around in her head. She needed to talk to him. They needed to talk to each other, soon.

_Cause I have heard you cry _

_And it breaks my heart, for I love you so_

_I would never lie_

_This is not the end_

_There is still a hope_

_And I am on your side_

_Though the wind and waves beat against your faith _

_You were on my mind _

_When they world was made_

_Trust in me my child _


	12. Chapter 12: Rain

Chapter Twelve: Rain

They made it to the hospital about an hour before Meredith's exam. She sat in Derek's desk and took out her book to study as much as she could before it started. When Derek was changed into his scrubs he came and knelt over beside her.

"Okay I have to go round now but I will try to be back before your test."

"It's okay Der, I will be fine"

"I love you"

She nodded her head as he kissed her cheek and then he walked out of the office. After about another 30 minutes she knew he had gotten caught up with something so she just went to go write her test.

000

Two hours later she handed in the test with a smile on her face and went to find Derek to tell him that she aced it. She found him in his desk huddled over what looked like paperwork. When the door opened he looked up to see his beautiful girlfriend with a beautiful smile on her face.

"We are smiling now?"

"Derek I aced that exam"

"Oh Mer I am so proud of you" he walked up to her and took her in his arms. "When do you get your score back?"

"In two days, all the other interns will get theirs back today though"

"I guess I better start looking for your present then?"

"Present? What present?"

"Well I will obviously get you something for making it through the hardest year of your life"

"Derek you don't need to get me anything, having you in my life is more than enough"

He just smiled at her, he was obviously going to get her something but he didn't want her to feel bad. He couldn't believe the change in her spirits in just one day. Maybe she didn't need help, maybe they could just take this relationship one day at a time and everything would work itself out. For now he wouldn't say anything. He wanted to let her be happy while it lasted.

"So are you ready for the wedding?"  
"Yeah just finishing my speech"

"Good, whenever you're ready we can go back to my place to get ready"

"Sure"

"You look like you could use some help with this speech of yours let me read it"

She picked up the sheet of paper to read through it and made some changes.

"How is it now?"  
"Perfect" he said looking deep into her eyes. They way he looked at her made Meredith know something was not right. She stood up from his lap, "Derek please just tell me what is wrong. I know you have been hiding something from me for a few days now so please just tell me"

"Meredith we have to go get ready for the wedding"

"You need to talk to me Derek; if you don't you are just being me"

"Meredith"

"No Derek please talk to me"

He took a deep breath, "You know what it is stupid anyways I will talk to you tonight though I promise"

"Okay, you better not break this promise mister"

"What will you do if I do?"

"Withhold sex"

"Real mature Mer"

"What, no sex until you talk to me"

"Let's just go get ready for the wedding"

They stood up hand in hand walked out to the car and drove back to Meredith's place.

000

Everyone was at the chapel. It was a miserable rainy day in Seattle. The rain was making both the bride and groom even more hesitant about what they were getting themselves into.

"So I just talked to Meredith and she said we are about ready to start"

Preston stood looking at the door

"Preston?"

"Yes sorry Derek"

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know for sure"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I just…"

000

"Okay Cristina, are you ready?"

"Yes, you have the ring?"

"I do, do you remember your vows?"

"Yeah there are on my…" she looked down at the hand where her vows had been written to find a bare hand.

"Cristina?"

"I scrubbed in"  
"Yes"

"I scrubbed off my vows"

"So you will remember them now come on I think they want us to go now"

"Meredith there are no words in my head!"

"Okay don't yell at me!"  
"Don't yell at me!"

"Let's just get you down the isle come on he is waiting for you to walk down that isle!"

"Mer… I…I…"

The door opened and Derek walked in. Looking into his eyes Meredith instantly knew something was wrong.

"Cristina…I"

"Derek what is going on?" Meredith asked, she sounded so worried.

"He told me… Burke… he told me to say that he was sorry"

"Sorry?" the small Asian woman in the wedding dress asked

"He's… he's gone"

"He's gone?"

"I am really sorry Cristina; I don't know what made him change his mind"

She stood their so dumbstruck of what Derek had just told her. The man she hated no despised had just told her that the man she loved had just left her. No not just left her, but left her at the altar! She simply walked away and Meredith tried to follow but Derek stopped her.

"Give her sometime Mer"

"But Derek she's my person!"

"Let her go home"

"How do you know she is going home? What if she gets hurt?"

"Meredith you have to leave her be for the time"

"No Derek! If something happens to her I will never forgive myself! Now let go of me and let me go! I will call you once I know where I am"

He loosened his grip on her arms and she slipped out of his grasp. He took a deep breath and was surprised to see her come back and kiss him quickly once on the lips.

"I am sorry I can't walk away without saying I love you"

"Oh really?"

"Yeah Shepard you ruined me, I love you"

"You too Mer, be careful"

"I promise"

Now she walked away and went straight to Burke and Cristina's apartment where she found Cristina hyperventilating and crying on the floor

"Cristina? Oh my God Cristina are you alright?"

"G….go…..go….ne"

"What Crisitna I don't understand you please use your words" She sat down beside her friend and held her close to her body

"He's gone! Really gone!"

"Oh Cristina I am so sorry I really thought you two were going to make it" She pulled her friend in even closer now.

"Take this stupid dress off of me!" Cristina yelled. She was now shaking and had pushed Meredith away as Mer went running of to find scissors while Cristina ripped her hair out of the ridiculous up-do and threw the Burke necklace on the floor where it smashed to a million pieces. Meredith ran behind her and cut straight down the back of the dress and helped her shaking friend remove in then held her in her arms while she cried.

000

8PM SEATTLE GRACE

The 'interns' excluding Meredith and Cristina were in the locker room awaiting their resident to make them round the last time as interns. When she walked in she did not look happy.

"Great she's cranky"

"Dr. Karev, keep your mouth shut. Where are Grey and Yang?"

"Um probably at Dr. Yang's apartment, I don't think Cristina took the whole being left at the altar thing too well."

"Understood, now I have the results of your intern exams I have seen them all and I am proud of well most of you"

She handed each intern the envelope, they all opened and read their results and left to go round on their patients.

000

"Dr. Webber, I found Dr. Shepard"

Derek walked into Richard's office and sat in front of him.

"Richard you don't have to do this today"

"But I do, Derek I… I was wrong to ever put my mistakes on you. It is so clear to me how much Meredith means to you and you would never let a job like this come between you two"

"You're right sir"

"I know you didn't fight your best for this job. The board, surprisingly wanted to chose Sloan but Derek you are the only person I trust leaving this hospital with"

Derek nodded his head.

"So in normal English that means I chose you Derek, you are the next Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital" he stuck out his hand so Derek would shake it. "Okay Shepard what is wrong with you?"

"She ran away again"

"Meredith?"  
"When Burke left Cristina, she blew me off for Cristina"

"Shepard Yang and Grey are best friends, and right now Cristina needs her best friend more than you need your girlfriend."

Derek nodded then finally shook Richard's hand, "Thanks Chief"

"No I am just Richard now, you are the Chief"

Derek walked out of the office smiling and went to see if Meredith had showed up.

000

3AM CRISTINA'S APARTMENT

"You know Mer we are seriously out of liquor"

"Well what do you want me to do about it?"

"Go get more"

"I could use some more"

"So go take my car…"

"I'm drunk, can't drive"

"So walk"

"It's cold and raining"

"You can borrow my clothes"

Meredith sighed. She got up and got changed grabbed her wallet and walked to the liquor store. Only she was so drunk she really didn't know where she was going. Everything was all fuzzy and she had a hard time standing up. This made her an easy target for what happened to her next.

000

Derek was wandering the hospital. He hadn't seen her in hours? Where was she? Why hadn't she called him or texted him? In the midst of his pacing and wandering his pager went off. 911 to the ER, must have been some stupid car accident he had to clean up after. He went down to find George, Izzie and Alex and Izzie was crying.

"What happened?"

"Meredith"

Derek barged into the trauma room to find her lying there, unconscious, covered in blood, clothing was ripped, bruised and broken.

"Oh my god"

"Shepard get out!" Bailey ordered

"What, what happened to her?" he was fighting too hard not to cry

"She was… Shepard please I will tell you just you need to get out of here."

Only then she opened her eyes.

"Where am I?"

"Meredith" he ran to her side and held her hand but she flinched in pain. "Meredith what happened to you?"

"I… I don't remember" Only she did and she wasn't going to tell him. He would have freaked out. She was crying and shaking now.

"Okay Meredith I need you to calm down, because what you are doing right now is not good for your blood pressure. Now from what we can see you have a broken arm, some cracked ribs and potentially a broken hip, CT will tell us if you have any internal injuries but you look like you'll be okay"

Meredith slowly nodded her head as they rolled her out of the trauma room.

"Can I come?" Derek was crying now

"Derek please I don't, you are in no shape"

"What happened to her?"

"She says she doesn't know, now please just wait here okay"

He nodded his head and waited watching the rain fall from the sky outside the hospital.

_I__am listening on the floor,_

_To sounds I used to know_

_Rain is falling to the ground_

_Praying all the hopes are found _

_Rain, rain don't go away _

_The sun can come back another day _

_Rain please stay_


	13. Chapter 13: Hanging By a Thread

Chapter Thirteen: Hanging By a Thread

The Chief of surgery and Dr. Bailey watched as Meredith's abdominal scans came in.

"Everything looks good right sir?"

"Yes I would agree. We need to keep her here for observation though"

"Okay let's see these head scans"

"Hmm… looks like just a fracture. I was concerned with all that blood and that cut on the back of her head"

"She looks like…"

"She was attacked, thrown against a brick wall then wrestled to the ground"

"Well I wasn't going to put it so brutally but yes sir, you don't think she was…"

"Raped"

"It just looks like she was; she is such an easy target. Its 3 am, she was alone, she was drunk, and she is 100 pounds."

"Don't tell Shepard unless we know for sure Dr. Bailey"

She nodded her head as the Chief walked out of the observation room to tell Derek the good news they had known.

000

Derek's POV

_I was pacing around the waiting room. Her friends surrounded me and they were saying stuff but none of it matter, I didn't hear a single word. I needed to know what had happened to her, she looked like someone had thrown her against a brick wall I needed to know who did this to her. I would kill anyone that hurt my Meredith. God how much I wanted to just hold her tiny body close to mine. I needed her right now more than I ever have. I love her. _

000

Richard slowly walked into the waiting room and Derek fell ever more depressed because he did not like the look on his face

"Where is she?"

"She is in the ICU"

"Not in surgery?"

"She doesn't need surgery. She sustained no internal injuries, her only injuries are a cranial fracture, a right arm fracture, and I am still waiting for her hip x-ray. It may be broken or she may have a shattered pelvis"

"How did this happen?"

"I don't know, I can tell you what I assume happened what I think happened based on how she looks but the only person who knows for sure is her"

"And she won't say"

"Well someone did this to her Derek. Cristina told me that she was walking to a liquor store and never came back so I am assuming along the way she was attacked"

"Can…can I see her?"

"Of course, come with me"

000

Meredith's POV

_I just want to get out of this stupid bed. I want Derek; do these dumb nurses not understand that? Close your eyes to get some rest Meredith. I DON'T WANT REST I WANT DEREK! I can't close my eyes because every time I do I have a nightmare, a flashback and I am so scared. God damn it! Where the hell is my boyfriend when I need him? I am so scared and I am in so much pain. I am so broken and I don't know what to do, the only person who will know how to fix me is Derek. I need him, I love him _

000

He walked into the room terrified of what he was about to see. She was lying there, her eyes were open so she was awake but they had no sparkle to them. Her cuts were all stitched up so she didn't look like she was bleeding from everywhere any more, and she had her arm setting in a sling before it was wrapped in a cast. Their eyes met and he saw what looked like a smile, or maybe just a look of relief that he was finally here. He walked over and gently kissed her lips then sat down beside her.

"Hey"

"Hey"

There was a short moment of silence

"Meredith… what… what happened to you?"

That is when the tears started and just wouldn't stop. He had never seen her cry like this before. She reached over and buried her head in his chest.

"Shhh… it's okay… it's just me you can tell me"

"No Derek, you'll leave me…. you will never look at me the same again"

"Meredith please, I love you and I am not going anywhere. Now if you are going to make it through this I am going to need to be right by your side the whole time, so you have to tell me you can tell me this"

She just shook her head and continued to bawl her eyes out.

"Meredith…" he swallowed and took a deep breath, "were you raped?" The crying got worse and he knew that she was. "Oh Meredith"

"I am so sorry Derek"

"This isn't your fault!"

"If I had just stayed at Cristina's or even called you"

"No Meredith, you can't blame yourself. This happened because there is some jerk out there who thinks he has the right to do this to women and he should be killed for it"

She nodded her head and continued to cry while he rubbed her back and held her as close to his body as he could. Slowly she calmed down and she lay back down in the bed.

"We will get through this Meredith"

"I know we will. But someone should page Addison or any other OB… you know just in case something happened"

He nodded his head "we will wait for the chief to come in and update us then I will ask him. I am not leaving you alone right now"

She nodded her head in agreement. She couldn't be alone right now because when she was alone she freaked out. She needed him to be here before her right now more than she has ever needed him in her life. He held her hand that wasn't sitting in a sling and gently rubbed the top of it gazing into her eyes. He had to be strong for her but he was scared too. This was going to be a long hard recovery for her, not just a physical recovery but an emotional and mental one too. But they loved each other so hopefully that would be enough to get them through. They stayed in their exact spots not moving until someone came with more information on what was going on with Meredith.

_When I cry _

_I close my eyes_

_And every tear falls down side _

_And I pray _

_With all my mind _

_That I will find my heart, in someone's arms _

_I cry _


	14. Chapter 14: These Small Hours

Chapter Fourteen: These Small Hours

A few days had passed and Meredith was looking like she, physically, was going to be okay. The emotional trauma she had sustained however was another story. Today she and Derek were going to meet with a couple different physiatrists and then Meredith would pick the one she felt most comfortable with. She had already decided she wanted a female doctor because she would be more comfortable that way and Derek understood her reasoning and found 10 of the top shrinks in the country to come out and meet her. They were at home getting ready in the morning before heading over to the hospital. Derek stood leaning in the doorway watching her brush her hair and give her last looks in the mirror. When she glanced into the mirror all she saw was a shadow and at first did not recognize it as Derek's so she jumped and turned around.

"God Derek you scared me" her pulse had sped up and she was breathing heavily and this did not go unnoticed by Derek.

"Mer are you alright?"

"I'm fine now I just saw your shadow and I didn't connect it to you at first and all I could see was the shadow of a man and I am alone and I got scared" _God I can be such an idiot sometimes_ he thought. "Look Mer I am so incredibly sorry I wasn't thinking and I promise you that I will not do it again" He took her in his arms and held her body close to his. She held onto him as though she was slipping away, like she never wanted to let go because honestly; she didn't.

Soon enough they had made it to the hospital and were heading up to Derek's office to meet with the first shrink. While they were sitting down waiting Meredith was very fidgety and she was wringing her hands he simply reached over and put his hand over hers. "Meredith calm down"

"I know, I am sorry I shouldn't be so worried"

"Meredith just stay calm, everything…." he stopped himself before he said it, "It will be fine"

She nodded her head as the first doctor walked through the door.

"Hi I am Dr. McGee you must be Derek and Meredith" the woman said reaching her hand out to shake theirs

"Thank you for meeting us Dr. McGee" Derek said smiling

"Well it is my pleasure, Meredith what you are going through is not easy. I work with many rape victims a year and I just wanted to say that I follow my patient's plans. I do everything at your speed"

God Meredith already hated this woman. She had that _oh poor you_ look on her face and sympathy is not what she was looking for. So Meredith didn't pay much attention at all to much of the interview only the part where the doctor walked out the door.

"She seemed nice Mer"

"No! Definitely not!"

"What is wrong with her?"

"She was looking at me like a wounded puppy, I don't want a shrink who thinks I need sympathy I need someone who will help me!"

Derek sighed; this was going to be harder than he thought, "Let's just have the next doctor come in then"

000

Three candidates later and Meredith was still not liking any of the shrinks. Then a woman named Dr. Garret came in.

"Hi there! You must be Derek and Meredith, oh I have heard wonders about you as a couple. You look beautiful together"

Meredith was already rolling her eyes.

"And Meredith I want to flat out say what happened to you is terrible. Rape patients always have the hardest recovery plan but I am dedicated to my patients. I want to help you get all those dark and scared thoughts out of your head and fill it with bright and happy thoughts."

"Oh God, NEXT!"

"Meredith! That was just a little rude" Derek said resting his hand on hers.

"I am sorry Dr. Garret, you seem to be like a wonderful doctor but you are just too cheerful, and you are not what I am looking for in a surgeon."

The woman just slowly excused herself from the interview.

000

The tenth shrink came in and Meredith had a good feeling from the second she walked through the door. Dr. Susan Kent. She was very straightforward and loving, without being overwhelming, and she promised Meredith she was going to follow a personal plan written up by Meredith. They were going to do this her way. When the interview was over Meredith told her that she had the job and she was so glad she had found a shrink because she wanted to get better, she needed to get better; for her sake and for Derek's.

000

When they returned home that night they were laying in bed cuddling up as close as possible. Meredith clinged to his shirt for dear life, but he didn't care; he would do anything to make her happy right now. She had her head resting on his chest and she looked up at him to see if he was sleeping but his eyes were wide open. She planted a soft and gentle kiss on his lips.

"Thank you for being so supportive today Der, I appreciate it"

"Anything for you baby"

He initiated another kiss, deeper than the first one their tongues exploring each other's mouths. Meredith's hands moved down Derek's body and over his pants, she felt how hard he was as she took of his pants. She straddled him and removed his shirt. He removed hers and unhooked her bra, throwing them both aside then he took her breasts in his hands, pushing her over so he was on top. When he worked his way down to her pants and got them off, he slowly began to finger her when she had another flashback. _She was thrown_ _onto the cold hard cement as he ripped her clothes aggressively fingering her. She was crying and screaming for help but no one could hear her. _Although when she opened her eyes she saw Derek she started to cry and begged him to stop. He instantly got off of her and held her.

"Shhh Mer, it's okay. It's me, it's Derek. I am here and I love you. I am not going to hurt you"

When she calmed down she rolled over to face him, "I am so sorry Derek I just can't. I am not ready"

"I know, Addison told me that rape patients always have a hard time ever having sex again"

"But my issues shouldn't affect you Derek. You want this; and I haven't been able to give you anything since the accident."

"Meredith I can wait, I will wait."

"But look at you" She looked down at his very erect penis "What are you going to do?"

"Cold shower, in the morning, right now however, I just want to hold the love of my life until she falls asleep"

"Thank you Derek I love you"

"I love you too Meri"

_Our lives are made, in these small hours_

_These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate _

_Time falls awake, but these small hours_

_These small hours, still remain _


	15. Chapter 15: I'll Stand by You Part One

Chapter Fifteen: I'll stand by You Part One

Four months have passed since the night Meredith woke up in the hospital to find her life was changed forever. She had been seeing Dr. Kent almost everyday and she was working through her problems at her pace.

Derek's POV

_She was doing much better in the past few weeks. She smiled more, she giggled more and that sparkle in her eyes, that thing that made me fall for her, it was almost back. _

_I woke up on the morning of November 10__th__, her birthday, admiring her sleeping next to him. Her tiny naked body rested close to mine in a soft, sweet embrace. Last night was the first time we had made love in four months. I had been patient, I waited for so long and it was so worth it. _

_Everything about her was perfect to me. I loved her for who she was, all her perfections and all her flaws drive me crazy. I gently reached into my bedside table opening the drawer to see that little black velvet box staring at me. I was nervous as hell to give her this gift. I prayed once again that she would take it, accept it and not freak out, but I was still worried and nervous out of my mind. _

_She began to gently stir in my arms and I couldn't wait to stare into her beautiful green eyes and wish her a happy birthday and tell her how much I love her. _

Meredith's POV

_I woke up my body pressed closely against his. I missed waking up like this; I missed him so much the past four months. Last night had been perfect in every little way. I love him so much. I didn't even realize that love like this exists, but it really does. _

_I didn't want to open my eyes, not just yet. I can feel him watching me, his warm breath on the back of my neck. I just want to stay in his arms like this for a little while longer because I have never felt so safe in my life. _

_Then it was when I realized that today is my birthday. I had never liked birthdays as a small child but now that Derek was in my life, I loved them. All he wants to do is spoil me to make up for everything bad that has happened to me. What did I do to deserve him again? _

_Although it was a rhetorical question, I still wondered sometimes. The only thing I can ever come up with was fate. It was fate I met him that night at the bar and that he wound up being my boss. It was fate that brought us together because let's face it; we were made for each other. _

"Morning beautiful" he whispered into her ear

"How did you know I was awake?"

"You stopped snoring and you are fidgeting"

She rolled over to face him and surprised him with a kiss, "I love you Derek"

"I love you too, Happy Birthday"

They both smiled holding hands, enjoying the peaceful mood of this perfect moment. Neither of them ever wanted to let go of this feeling. Everything was beginning to fall into place.

_When the night falls on you _

_You don't know what to do _

_Nothing you confess_

_Could make me love you less_

_I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you _

_Won't let nobody hurt you _

_I'll stand by you _

**A/N: Okay this one is short but part two will be around shortly and it will involve a little birthday party for Meredith and Derek will give her his "gift." **


	16. Chapter 16: I'll Stand By You Part Two

Chapter Sixteen: I'll stand by You Part Two

During the daytime while Izzie and George set up for Meredith's party, Derek took Meredith out of the house. They spent most of the day watching the ferryboats come in and out of the docks however. Although a ferryboat almost ruined both their lives, for some reason this place, this bench right by the docks would always be a special place for them.

Around 5, they had wrapped up their afternoon together and headed home. However Meredith had no idea there would be a party there for her. She was doing better but busy situations still made her nervous and uncomfortable but he would be there the whole time.

They walked into the house and all the lights were out.

"Derek what is going on, where are George and Izzie?"

Then everyone jumped out from behind the couch, "Surprise!"

Derek turned the light on and Meredith was surrounded by her friends and a lot of balloons and decorations. She looked up at Derek with a big smile on her face. "You did this didn't you?" He simply shrugged and gave her his best McDreamy look. "I love you Derek Shepard" She kissed his cheek then went to hug her friends.

As most of the party went on they were separated. Derek was with Mark most of the time while Meredith wandered. The guests involved most of the staff at the hospital. Derek had finally found Meredith again; she was talking to George and Alex. He walked up behind her and hugged her then kissed her neck. "Hey beautiful, are you enjoying your party?" She turned around and smiled at him, "Yes I am, thank you baby" Derek turned to Alex and George, "Do you mind if I steal my girlfriend for a bit?" They both shook their heads and Derek quietly took Meredith out in the backyard.

He started to kiss her passionately their tongues exploring each others mouths and their hands wanting to touch every inch of the other's body. Meredith pulled together all the control she had and stopped, "Derek we can't have sex in my backyard" He chuckled at her statement, "I don't want to have sex in your backyard"

"Then why are we here?" She questioned him. "Sit down Meredith" He led her over to the bench and she sat down. "Derek what is going on?'

"Meredith please, just try not to talk right now because there is a lot I want to say to you." He had his hands in his pocket, his right hand holding on to that black box. "Okay, Meredith I love you more than I have ever loved any one in my life. When I asked Addison to marry me I really thought she was the one but now, I realize that she was not. Meredith you are the one for me. You are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and have children with and grow old with. In 50 years I want us to be that old wrinkled couple who still love each other as much as they did the say they met but won't admit it. But I know that right now you are maybe not ready for all that."

He sat down beside her and pulled out the box opening it to reveal the most beautiful ring Meredith had ever seen.

http://i11. She had tears in her eyes. He put his finger over he mouth to stop her.

"I am not done yet. This is not an engagement ring, not yet. For now it is a promise ring, if you chose to accept it you will wear it on your right hand until we decide it is time for it to be an engagement ring. It has three stones to represent out past, present, and future. Now I know we are not perfect people and our relationship was not perfect but Meredith I have loved you since the minute I saw you sit down at Joe's that night. I know I have hurt you but I am trying to make it up to you and I will continue to right until the second that I die. Right now I believe that all the bad things that have happened to us have only brought us closer together because we have learned that we cannot take each other and this relationship for granted because we are so lucky to have a love like this. In the future I promise I will love you and take care of you no matter how bad things get. I will always be here. That is if you will accept this ring."

Meredith was in utter shock. Tears were free falling from her eyes, "Derek I don't know what to say"

"Well I was kind of hoping you would say 'Yes Derek I will accept your ring'"

"Yes Derek I will accept your ring. I love you"

He gently placed the ring on her right hand and the two of them stared at it then looked back into each other's eyes. Meredith opened her mouth to talk but Derek put his finger over it again. Only this time she moved it.

"No Derek I feel like I need to say this so it is my turn now. I love you too, and I didn't even believe in any of this, true love and soul mates and fate stuff until I met you. I also know that we are not perfect and we never will be but the way I feel about you will never change. I promise that I will keep up what I have been doing in the past four months. I won't push you away when something is wrong, I will come to you first because you are not only the love of my life but you're my best friend too. I will always be here, for me and for you. I am not ready for this to be an engagement ring but it won't be long before I am"

Now they both had tears in their eyes. They wiped them away for each other and started to laugh. "We make quite the team don't we Dr. Shepard?"

"I think we do Dr. Grey now I believe we have a party to get back to"

She smiled and took his hand as they walked back into the house.

_So when, when the night falls on you baby _

_You'll feel it all along_

_You won't be on your own _

_I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you _

_Won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you _

_Take me in into your darkest hour and I'll never desert you_

_I'll stand by you _


End file.
